Sunday, April 28, 2013

A sexual assault survivor, continued...

Photo of Wyoming Gorge provided by Carl Bozeman

Click on the below article link to obtain background information to this blog post:

Examiner article


Carl Bozeman continued the interview.

In his words, “I am married but was in a marriage for 32 years with a woman who stood by me through all the ugliness that would surface in my life throughout the marriage.  We divorced after I had and out of body experience that freed me from all the demons of my childhood. While I wanted to maintain the first marriage, by the time I rediscovered myself, I had caused so much damage we were unable to keep it together.  I left my ex everything and moved into a new life with my current wife with who I have a wonderful relationship.”

It has been a long path to recovery for Carl.

He shared, “I endured 25 years of psychotherapy and medication. I suffered Post traumatic stress, depression and MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder). I went through multiple testing and therapeutic processes to try to reach a point in time that could explain all that had happened. I used a procedure called EMDR which is a rapid eye movement procedure developed to help desensitize people who have been severely traumatized. I was on antidepressants for most of the 25 years I was in therapy as well.  I never was able to resolve the dilemma I thought my life was and so I decided to end it.” 
 
Carl continued, “As earlier described I had given up. I decided that the possibility of finding a point in time (past) that could be a catalyst for why I was so unhappy and the way that I was, was never going to happen. That is when I planned to end my life: I describe this in the preface to my third book. I’ll include it here:
As I look upon the layered blue waters separated by the uneven lines of foaming white waves breaking onto the California coastline I am moved at such beauty but saddened that this will be the last time I see it. The short flight from Santa Barbara to Los Angeles to visit three of my four children lets me reflect on my troubled life. This is the last time I will see them and that they will see me. Later I will travel to Seattle to see my fourth child to say goodbye to him as well. They won’t know it is goodbye. All they will know is how much I love them, how much they have meant to me and how very proud I am of each of them. Their memory of me will be the pleasant time we spend together these next few days.
My marriage is over. I alone have wrecked it in every way and broken the woman I adored above all others. My infidelity, mental illness and erratic nature has ended what was once my greatest comfort and relationship with my best friend. I ponder my life as a child growing up in Tacoma, Washington with six sisters in a house too small to contain us. My father leaving abruptly at the age of seven and without any reason that I comprehended and, whom, I would not see or hear from for over fifty years. I consider the embarrassment of poverty and destitution that immediately befell us upon his leaving. How everything spun out of control and neighbors, relatives and my very own mother transformed into monsters who would abuse me physically, mentally and sexually. How my best friend, an older gentleman and neighbor would break the trust of innocence and sexually abuse me while crying and begging me to forgive him. A tear runs down my cheek as I recall those awful times. It is all I remember but not for long, I tell myself.
I reflect on my years as a father, husband and provider to my own family and all the activities I participated in with them so they could have what I could not. How I had protected them from the ugliness I had known when I was a child. I was dedicated to them and to my wife who stood with me as the demons of my past percolated into my awareness. I was a mess and I tried to protect my family from my own suffering and sadness but I could not. I would pour myself into over twenty-five years of therapy and medication and an endless search to find that one moment in a cruel past that would set the demons free and free me from the depression, post-traumatic stress and multiple personalities I suffered from. It would never happen. The moment would not come and so I would bring it all to an end myself. As I sat aboard that airplane, looking down, I felt relief but not freedom. Freedom would come later. A sudden but quiet end to misery, suffering and the unanswered question: Why?
While visiting my three children in Los Angeles we had decided to go to a late night movie that would start a few hours later but were unsure how to pass time until then. We were gathered at my oldest son’s apartment where we chose a DVD to watch, which, we all agreed would be a good means to kill time until it was time to go to the theatre. I was in an easy place and I was calm and relaxed. The struggle was soon to be over and knowing this gave me great peace. There was nothing else to do but have fun and enjoy this short time with my children. Then it happened.
Suddenly, I felt myself lifting out of my body in a most unsettling way. I hovered just above my children and myself and watched them, and me, watching the movie. I felt the lightness of this strange state and there was a purity to it that made me feel the cleanest I had ever felt. I was completely given over to what I was in that state and no longer felt any connection, whatsoever, to the person sitting in the chair as the physical me. In an instant I was swept up into an awareness that the human before me was not who I was. I was, clearly, not that body and despite all the suffering that body had been through there was nothing that would alter this exhilarating new perception of who I was. I could see that I was not the experiences of my physical body rather I now knew I was the experiencer of my physical body.
This recognition completely washed away everything I held as significant and causal in making the decision to end my life. None of what I perceived myself to be when that decision was made existed anymore and I realized, in that moment I truly was free. This new sense of freedom opened me up and everything about my existence changed. Who I truly am was trapped in a human body whose only awareness was human experience and all the human could do to stop it was to end the physical life. All that went away. I now saw something far beyond the human identity I had become and all my perceptions of what used to be changed in a way that became grand and wonderful. As this I settled back into my physical body I knew I was not what I once believed myself to be and I saw life, intelligence oozing in everything and it took my breath away! The double sidedness of everything, I once experienced, physically, ended. There was nothing that was not magnificent and in that magnificence all things blended into each other. 
Soon thereafter I left my marriage of thirty-two years, stopped all anti-depressant medications, ended all therapy, quit my job and career and began to write, which is what I continue to do. I was saved in a moment of despair and complete release of all worldly things and literally freed from darkness. I now share this new awareness with others.” 
His spirit gifted his awakening.

Carl talked about this, “I no longer worry or stress about human events including my own experiences that once were identified as good or bad or ugly, whatever. I know completely that I am not my body and that anything that happens is an experience of the human body, which we in our true form simply experience. I embrace all of life and see nothing but beauty and splendor that literally cannot be described with human language.  We literally are spiritual beings, other beings living in a human vehicle for a short while. All of it is incredible and it is only the ego (mind) that judges the experience as good and bad. We cannot begin to imagine with our minds how incredible we are outside the human experience. Mind isn’t big enough (even if we were using 100% of our brains capacity). We are the creative center of the universe. While I know it is impossible, using human language, thoughts and emotions to describe this I share, at best, pointers to those who search as I did in the hopes of helping them find the sheer beauty of everything we experience in this life and the awareness that we are more than that experience!”

He discussed his books, “My first book is an Amazon Bestseller titled, On Being God Beyond Your Life’s Purpose. It is the book I first wrote after having the out of body experience I describe earlier.  Its major themes are:
·       We are Gods; not a part of some higher consciousness or the physical incarnation of life forms through which God can experience three dimensional life but real gods in our own right with all the creative power we give to the God out there somewhere in the heavens.
·      Three-dimensionality has conditioned us to accept, as reality, an illusion that life is what we see it as through our five senses and that anything outside of that is un-provable and therefore unreal.
·      A significant part of the illusion we are conditioned to accept is that there is sin in the world. The idea of opposites permeates every aspect of life, which throws us into the judgment of that which is good versus that which is evil. Good and evil is a metaphor for the infinite range of possibilities we, as Gods, have before us. Sin does not exist as anything other than our conditioning defines it. Gods have no sin!
·      We can rediscover our true nature, our divinity, and see past the illusory life we live and upon discovering our true self we can experience life in a way unimaginable while in the illusory state.
·      Ultimately there is no purpose in life other than to experience every aspect of it and enjoy everything about it whether we consider it good or bad experience. Life is wondrous beyond anything the illusion we live under allows us to see.
The second book is titled: Are You Listening? Addressing the Divine Within. This book is a take on the Lords Prayer but under the guise that when you are addressing the divine it is really that part of you that occupies the body, to whom, you are really directing your supplications. It is literally talking to the God that you are. This is a short but poignant book that breaks down the various aspects of the prayer we all take for granted. 

This book is a free download for signing up for my periodic newsletter at www.spiritual-intuition.com

My third and latest book is titled: On human Being – Loving & Living Without Purpose. This is a book that is supposed to help us look at our human experience from the viewpoint that we recognize that we are Spiritual Beings (Gods) having a human experience and that what we are taught to look at is really the output of our conditioning as humans which for the most part, is really not what is going on.  It takes the approach that our experience is insignificant and unimportant in the realm of our infinite natures as divine beings.  It is a guide for being “God” as a human, temporarily.”  

Carl’s contact information, “I can be contacted through my website: www.spiritual-intuition.com or my email address carl@spititual-intuition.com .  My website has many ways to interact and share insights, ask questions and comment on various topics.  At the end of each section is a way to comment and share ideas that get posted to the website, thus adding to the overall base of information we all share.  I am on Twitter at: https://twitter.com/CarlBozeman and Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/OnBeingGod

2 comments:

  1. Bless you Carl...am happy that you've discovered your true self <3
    I had just written the following lines when I came across your blog:

    Don't try to find God with your Mind...

    The Mind does not 'Feel'

    It only analyzes, defines and describes.

    God is Love and Love is 'Felt' not 'Known'

    So open your Heart...close your Mind

    And just FEEL ི♥ྀ

    ReplyDelete